Dear Fellow Malcolm Law Students,
It has come to the attention of my good person that you have once again desecrated the venerable name of our esteemed institution. What am I talking about? I am talking about that bacchanalia of banality called "Freshman Night".
For the life of me, I really don't comprehend what sort of pleasure you derive from participating in said insipid activity. Sure, you get a few laughs (alright, admittedly a LOT of laughs), but after that, what else? Did you find that your knowledge of substantial law has increased tenfold? Or that your mastery of remedial law suddenly rivals even that of Baltic, I mean Prof. Antonio Bautista? Of course not! Ergo, I conclude that it is as worthless an activity as, say, the Moot Court (Because hello! You're arguing on something that's already, you know, moot and academic! Hello! Earth to UP Law!).
However, as it is more than painfully apparent that you are not willing to give up this whole affair cold turkey (it saddens me to see how the weak-willed hold on to their vices with an iron grip. Sigh.), I have taken it upon my benevolent self to introduce a few improvements to what you have deemed as "Freshman Night". I sincerely hope that you will take my suggestions to heart, specially when placed vis-a-vis with what actually happened last July 31, 2004.
1. I suggest that we retain the Freshman centric theme, thus continue with it being called "Freshman Night". However, rather than making our newest brothers and sisters dress in drag and showcase their singing and dancing talents, we should all just line up side by side, Freshmen on the right and all the upper classmen on the left, and then we introduce ourselves to one another, all along saying "Welcome! Welcome!". After this rousing bit of introduction, we all settle down and listen to a reading from one of Justice Panganiban's decision. Pure intellectual bliss...
2. I will never be able to understand why those poor freshies allowed themselves to be dressed up in women's clothings and then have their faces slathered on with the loose woman's war paint, make-up. And then they even caroused on stage wearing nothing but a bikini top and a barely there bottom (of course, some of them looked good without their shirts on...But that's beside the point!). So as an alternative to all this hulabaloo, I would have to refer you to the previous number.
3. As for the talent portion, I suggest that we totally scrap that out altogether. I mean we are in law school for a reason right? The reason being that we have absolutely no talent in singing or dancing, because if we did, we wouldn't be slaving away in this salt mine for four years. I mean, what was up with that monologue? Sure dear, they were laughing their guts out while you were performing, but how sure are you that they weren't laughing AT you rather than laughing WITH you? Think about it.
4. With regard to the intermission numbers from the five blocks, what exactly did you intend to accomplish with the fact that: 1A could do a mean "Pearly Shells" complete with accompaniment. Or that the 1B people can dance the swing while their well-crafted video presentation played on. Or maybe that 1C and 1E are great dancers. Or perhaps that the 1D girls could give the Hot Babes a run for their money. What do you want to prove? That your batch is overflowing with talent and that the upperclassmen should already start preparing for the upcoming Malcolm Madness? Alright! Point taken! Next issue please.
5. As for the winners, I only have this to say to you: Incriminating Evidence.
I could go on and on about how I would change this orgy of freakish fun but I have more important things to do (i.e. read my cases and underline them with my four different colored dermatographs. Red for the facts; Yellow for the issue; Orange for the holding and Pink for the ratio). So please do take my comments under consideration and remember that we are in UP to be serious and great lawyers and not to have fun. Because if it were the latter, then what would be inscribed in the main hall would not be the revered words of Justice Holmes, rather it would be something along the lines of "Party! Party! And more party!" We wouldn't want that, now would we?
A Concerned Student
Some of you might ask how I got my information about this year's Freshman Night. Ummm...I refuse to answer said question on the ground that it may later on incriminate me.
*Note: This is my take on last Saturday's "Freshman Night" and my contribution to the Malcolm Lex (official school paper of the UP College of Law). I sure hope I don't get any hate mail :)